A Quiet Word…

Hey body, how’s it going?

Look, we hang out a lot and most of the time things are fine between us, but there is something I really feel I’ve got to get off my chest. Don’t get me wrong – I love you and I never want to be with any-body else, but there is this one little niggle and I’d like to iron it out here and now.

I need you to stop trying to make me fat.

Look, I know that a little obesity means a lot to you, and that you’re just thinking of the next failed harvest, hard winter, or famine, but at some point you’re going to have to trust me – I won’t let any of that happen to you. You just– no, I know everybody seems to be doing it but that doesn’t make it right. It’s the– stop interrupting a moment and listen! You know as well as I do that you don’t want to end up lugging around extra kilos wherever you go, and in the end your irresponsible behaviour is going to cost us both – neither of us wants to end up in heart failure, or with type 2 diabetes, and you’d do well to remember it!

Sorry. I didn’t mean to get angry. There there, I’ll get you some water. And no, I’m not breaking it off with you – there’s no-one I’m more comfortable with and frankly, the idea of being with another body is just too strange to contemplate. I just need you to let down the leptin levels, and stop trying to convince me to eat things when I’m vulnerable. Don’t worry – I’ll help too. I’ll try to keep you out of situations where the temptation to just consume gets too much. In return though, try and keep the subtle weight-gain-hinting to a low level. I want to be with you for a long time, and I’m sure we’d both prefer it if we spent that time being a fit couple rather than fighting through a slovenly mess of relationship failures.

Tell you what, I’ll even take you out for a run now and again! How’s that sound?


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