It’s been quiet around here. It will remain so for a while.
See you on the other side.
Primary insomnia is defined as a difficulty in getting to sleep, and it’s a new feature of my life. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, what time it is, what I’ve done that day. It only matters that I’m trying to go to sleep, and thus far I’m not managing it. Night after night. Hour upon hour. Racing thoughts, a blazing carousel of cognition that doesn’t shut off, considering, evaluating, rehashing; remorselessly flaring in the dark and keeping oblivion at bay.
Dramatic prose aside, I’ve thought like that all my life. Doesn’t matter what I’m doing, from eating breakfast to having sex, there’s always a detached and logical monolouge muttering away in the background. Whilst thinking demanding tasks is distracting enough to not blot it out (such as playing intense sport, or learning interesting things), anything that doesn’t completely demand my full attention allows that background thread to the fore. Needless to say, lying in the dark with my head on a pillow does not exactly demand my full attention.
This is why I prefer action films to chick flicks. In an action film, you get what you see – shit! they’re falling from a building on to a huge piece of netting! Whoa! Now everything is exploding! Awesome! There is very rarely anything else to consider about these scenes – they are predictable and slightly mind-numbing and that’s rather nice, once in a while (read: often). You can focus completely on the outrageous intensity of the scene and life is good.* Chick flicks, on the other hand, are just as predictable but lack that obviousness that numbs the action films – you’re thinking about the characters and the next sentence and the anticipating the next semi-humourous line and blam! film finished and you never got that moments quiet. Worse still, you then analyze the damn thing afterwards and you’ve got double the trouble for your money. I digress.
I want to sleep when my head hits the pillow. I want to slow down, shut down, blank out, but I can’t.
Unfortunately, it’s only going to get worse for the next two months.
*Also, ever noticed that some of the best films are action films with a good plot? Inception, the Matrix, V for Vendetta, Fight Club, Lord of the Rings trilogy. Sure, there are plenty of awesome films from all walks of genre out there, but many of my favourites contain no small pieces of action (actually, there are so many good films from other genres out there this paragraph is basically invalid, but whatever).
**Do sloths yawn?
I’ve been a busy man, these last few weeks, and as a result this blog fell somewhat silent. It was bound to happen sometime, I’m certain you all managed to survive without it (just). Anyway, I’m back now, and although this next five months is going to be intense I am hoping to find some time to scribble some posts here and there. First order of business, though, is HAPPY NEW YEAR / CHRISTMAS / WINTER SOLSTICE / HOLIDAYS to you all (delete as appropriate) and I hope you’ve got a grand year coming. I usually take some time to make some New Year’s Resolutions about now, usually pretty simple ones like ‘don’t be a git’ and ‘have fun’. This year, I’ve boiled even these easy-to-remember axioms down to one, two-word statement of intent.
Yup, it would be nice to lose a bit of weight, get a bit fitter, get more flexible, do more climbing, and give up money laundering or whatever addiction is the flavour of the month but all of these things, important as they are, are nothing compared to the overriding directive that is to pass, to succeed, to make the last five years of my life matter and to finish the year with a smile on my face and a paycheck in my pocket.* If I accomplish some of the other things along the way that’ll be grand too, don’t get me wrong, but it’s all a lower priority.
May the new year bring with it what you’d will it to.
*roughly translates as ‘no longer in my overdraft but nevertheless on the brink, still/again, thanks a bunch Student Loans Company for cutting my student loan in half this year you evil financiers.’
One year today, I start my F1 job.
Sure, I’ve got to complete final year, apply for my post, answer a bunch of stupid personal statement questions and finish the inscrutable 36-page NHS bursary form, let alone pass finals, find a place to live near where my job will be, and shadow an F1 for a week. There’s a lot to do, I know.
Still. One year, today.
I typed ‘scared’ into google, and this is the first result! There we are.